Jim Down Under
by JodithGrace
Summary: Jim is in Australia having lots of adventures. Pam is in Scranton feeling lonely and blue. sometimes email is all you can do. Does nobody care enough about this story to review it? Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Jim Down Under

By Jody E.

These characters do not belong to me, except for the ones I invented. I just toy with them for my own amusement. Note: I took the liberty of injecting myself briefly into this story, since I just happened to have been in Australia recently with the NJ Choral Society. But I think I kept it to a minimum. The main problem I had was that Jim is young, male and single, none of which describes me, plus I was on a programmed tour, so the things I did aren't necessarily the things he would have done. So I had to use my imagination a bit, which is what fanfic is all about, right? But the but I did use my own experiences as much as possible. And I did do the bridge climb, and the weather was just as I have described it.

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 10, 2006 9:00 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Hello from Down Under

Dearest Pam,

G'Day, Mate! Sorry...I promise that will be the absolute last time I use that phrase, but I just couldn't resist. I can't believe it, but here I am in Sydney Australia! I just got to my hotel a few minutes ago, and couldn't wait to set up my computer and write to you. According to everything I have read, I am forbidden to go to sleep now, which is what I would love to do, but must remain awake until a reasonable bedtime tonight. So I have signed on for a bus tour of Sydney, just to get an overview. That will be after lunch. My hotel is the Vibe, Rushcutters, located on Rushcutter's Bay. So far it looks very modern, with circular lime green chairs and purple wall panels in the lobby. The sink in the bathroom is round, but I haven't noticed the water going down the drain backwards…maybe that's an old wives tale.

My flight landed in LA yesterday...or at least I think it was yesterday, at around noon. That left me several hours to kill in LA before my Qantas flight at 11:50 PM! But I have never been to LA, and didn't want to leave my luggage in an airport locker, so I rented a car and drove around to all the touristy places…Grumman's Chinese theater, Mullholland Drive, Burbank. It was so exciting to see the Hollywood sign in person. I passed the NBC studios, but didn't see any celebrities hanging around. People were lining up to get into the Jay Leno show, but I didn't have time for that, though it would have been really fun. Imagine watching Jay Leno Thursday night, and seeing me in the audience! I had lunch in a bakery/restaurant called Toast, where, according to my Mom, who is the expert on these things, celebrities like Courtney Cox and David Schwimmer hang out. Unfortunately, Thursday is apparently "No Celebrity Day" in all of Hollywood. Ah well. My mom was hoping that I would get some photos or autographs for her, but all I got was lunch. It was a good lunch though...ham and cheese on a croissant. And the two women sitting at the table next to me were definitely having a "show biz" conversation...I think one of them was an agent. She had something that looked like a contract…or maybe it was "Threat Level Midnight!" Michael would have gone nuts. Can't you just picture him in Hollywood? Like a kid in a candy store!

Anyway, I had to be at the airport 3 hours before flight time, so I had a hamburger at In and Out Burger and returned my car and was sitting at my gate by 9:30 PM. Only it already felt like midnight because of the time change. And so began one of the longest nights of my life. In addition to my Sydney tour books and maps, I have a book called, _In a Sunburned Country_ by Bill Bryson, which is one of the funniest things I have ever read. It's a travelogue but the author has an incredible sense of humor, and people were looking at me strangely, because I kept laughing hysterically every twenty minutes or so. I would recommend it to you, Pam, except that you would probably either become intensely jealous of my trip, or so fearful for my safety that you wouldn't sleep a wink the entire time I am away. You would not believe all of the dangerous animals, fish and insects that live here, including some of the world's most deadly snakes like the ones Bill Bryson lists: "the common brown, western taipan, yellow-backed lockjaw, eastern groin groper, and the infamous dodge viper."

Anyway, that book kept me occupied until it was time to board the plane. By then all of the other passengers were hoping that they wouldn't have to sit next to the cackling American, but of course two of them won (lost?) the lottery and became my seatmates. Luckily, they were a pleasant middle aged couple from New Jersey. And as luck would have it, the wife was reading the same book I was! They were part of some singing group, the New Jersey Choral Society, and the plane was full of them. All wearing nametags and greeting each other in the aisles. My particular singers were Jody and Richard. Jody told me she wasn't actually a singer...her husband was and she was just a groupie, along for the ride. The NJCS was participating in some big festival with a whole lot of other singing groups and would be singing in the Sydney Opera house the following week. But after a bit of introduction, we all put on our earphones and minded our own business, except for the occasional chuckle from one or both of us, as we read our book.

Qantas is a very nice airline. They treated us very well, and each seat has its own TV screen with a selection of movies, games and TV shows to watch. They also fed us constantly, which was great. However…those seats were not made for people as tall as I am. I felt as though I had been surgically inserted into my window seat, and once there was pretty much stuck with no comfortable place to put my legs for the next 14 hours. At least Jody and Rich were nice about letting me out occasionally to stretch my legs. I was planning to read my book for a while and then try to sleep, but then they fed us a meal…with free wine, no less. I mean what meal is it, exactly, that is served at 1:30 AM? It was listed as "supper" on the little menu they gave us. Then they came around later with these large "tucker bags" filled with bottled water and chips and candy. Then even later they came around with Cadbury hot chocolate or chamomile tea. It was too hard to concentrate on my book, so I watched American and Aussie sitcoms on TV and played solitaire. I didn't want to get into any of the movies, though the Bruce Willis one "Sixteen Blocks" looked interesting. There was also a channel that showed the progress of our flight. That was amazing. I couldn't believe that I was really doing this…flying out into the unknown.

I did finally get to sleep after a while, thanks to the goofy sleep mask they gave me, in a bag with a disposable toothbrush. (with the world's smallest tube of toothpaste) There were also socks, but no way could I get them on my feet without being some kind of contortionist.

At some point we flew over the International Date Line, which is how I managed to misplace Friday. Have you seen it, by any chance? It's one of my favorite days of the week, and I'd hate to think it was lost for good. Anyway, somehow, the next thing I knew it was Saturday morning and they were feeding us breakfast. Then I changed my watch, making it 7 AM, June 10th, and was in Australia.

Well, that's all for now. I must keep moving...can't sit still too long and risk falling asleep. I'll try to write to you every day. I love you.

Jim

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 11, 2006 7:00 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Sydney Day 2

Dear Pam,

I haven't heard from you, but that's not surprising, since you won't be getting my e-mail until Monday at work. And calling is difficult thanks to the time change. Let's see...here it's 7:00 PM Sunday, which would make it 5:00 AM your time. The hotel lobby has convenient clocks behind the desk, showing the time in different places like London, Paris, Moscow and New York, in case you think I've suddenly become a mathematical genius.

I had originally thought of renting a car, but was kind of nervous about driving on the left. The bus from the airport to the hotel yesterday took some right turns into traffic that nearly gave me, and all of the other Americans, heart failure. So before I left I arranged a one week Travelpass, which will get me on buses and trains all over the area. That should do me. I took a bus tour yesterday which showed me Sydney Harbor (or Habba…as they call it) and the Bridge and Opera house, plus a lot of the more famous sights, like Mrs. Macquarie's chair, and the old part of Sydney called The Rocks. I am planning to go back there. I did manage to stay awake until 9 PM. It didn't help that there were only 5 channels on the hotel television that aren't pay per view, ABC, channels 9 and 10, and two sports channels. Right now World Cup Soccer is what's happening, and the television is full of it. Australia's first match is on Monday, and so is ours against the Czech Republic. So I think that I should go to a pub Monday night and see what this soccer fever is all about.

I took a bunch of pictures, which I am sending you on Snapfish. It was all I could do to get near Mrs. Macquarie's chair, as there were clusters of singing groups having pictures taken. The NJ Choral Society and the Connecticut Choral Society, as well as a group from London, are all staying at my hotel, though I don't expect to see much of them since their every moment seems to be programmed. I did meet a really nice non-choral threesome from London at dinner in the hotel, though. Grace and Colin are a married couple, about our age, and George is Grace's older brother who has been living in Adelaide for the past few years and has just arrived to meet them in Sydney for a week. We all hit it off right away. You would get a kick out of Grace...She is tiny with black hair in a pixie cut and a mouth like a truck driver. I mean all three of them are like that…their conversation is mostly profanity with just an occasional noun or verb thrown in to make weight. But it's the most surprising coming from Gracie. She and George insult each other like you wouldn't believe. Thank goodness I didn't understand half of what they call each other. She came all the way down from London to visit him, though, and he came quite a distance from Adelaide, so I guess they do actually like each other. It's just so far removed from Janice and me. I mean, we used to insult each other when we were kids, and played a few mean pranks on each other, but nothing like this. Anyway, all three are them are very funny and want to do all the touristy things, so it might be fun to tag along…occasionally.

Anyway, last night, George and Gracie were trying to convince Colin to do the Sydney Bridge climb. George claims that it's the best thing to do in Sydney, but Colin is a prat about heights. (According to Grace) Anyway, the bridge climb is one of the things I had planned to do. It's expensive..$169, but you get to walk across the TOP of the Sydney Harbor Bridge. They did it on the very first season of The Amazing Race. Anyway, the three of us ganged up on poor Colin and got him to agree, so we all went over to the Bridge Climb this morning and put in our prepaid reservation for tomorrow morning at 8:45. Hopefully the weather will be better than it has been. Have I mentioned that it's been raining and in the 50's since I arrived? Not exactly summer vacation weather. There's a swimming pool on the roof of our hotel, over looking the city, but I haven't felt much like taking the plunge. I want to get to the beaches, Bondi and Manly, but I will wait for the weather to clear a bit, early next week, I hope. They do the bridge climb regardless of the weather...it's only cancelled for lightening storms. Lucky me.

After arranging the bridge climb and making a date to meet C, G&G for dinner, I took off by myself to explore "The Rocks," which is Sydney's old town, full of shops and galleries and pubs. I found a shop filled with a forest of didgeridoos, the Aboriginal tribal instrument made out of a long wooden branch which has been hollowed out by termites! They are mostly painted with Aboriginal designs, which are very interesting. The shop owner was more than happy to demonstrate them and "teach' me how to play. She could make all kinds of interesting musical sounds out of hers, but when I tried it, the best I could come out with sounded more like Kevin in the men's room, than music. Sorry...just be thankful that is something you have never experienced. There was a lot of Aboriginal art in the shop and an assortment of boomerangs also. I wish you could have been with me...we could have made up an inappropriate gift list for everybody we know. I mean, can't you picture Michael with a six-foot long didgeridoo? (That's what she said!) Yet another instrument that he wouldn't be able to play, that he could drag with him to all the parties he crashes. He would probably insist on playing it at Dwight's wedding. And imagine Dwight with a boomerang...he would undoubtedly behead somebody within the first five minutes after he got it.

I ate lunch in a pub called Fortune of War, which bills itself as the first pub in Sydney. Unfortunately, according to our bus guide from yesterday, there are several other pubs with the same claim, but this was MY first pub in Sydney, so it counts for me. I had a Sydney meat pie for lunch with a pint of Australian Bitter. The meat pie was pretty good, but I think I prefer beer. Angola was playing Portugal in soccer on the small TV screen, and there was quite a crowd gathered around to watch. I can only imagine what it will be like when Australia plays tomorrow. I've never watched much soccer, but it is certainly easy enough to understand, unlike Cricket, which I managed to catch on the non-soccer sport station last night. Even after I googled the rules, I still couldn't make heads or tails out of it. It's very fun to watch though. I also saw some Rugby on the same channel. It's totally the opposite of Cricket. In Cricket you can play for six hours and not get a spot on your white flannel pants, while in Rugby, it's considered a good deal if you get out alive. No wonder the Brits think that our football players are such wusses for playing in all that padding. Ooops...no offense to Roy, there.

Speaking of which...I'm sorry to have been gabbing so much about myself and not asking about you. I know that this is a tough weekend for you. When I changed my watch to June 10th on the plane, I had a momentary qualm, imagining if you hadn't cancelled your wedding. It didn't bear much thinking about. In fact, it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach, though that may have been lack of sleep as well. I hope that you were able to visit Janice and Ted today. I know they were looking forward to having you. I bought a bunch of postcards today and will send them out tomorrow, so you can tell my Mom, if you see her, that I am fine, and will be writing her. (If my folks would just get a computer...we wouldn't have this problem!) I hope that you are okay. I really miss you.

Love,

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 11, 2006 8:32 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 2

Dear Jim,

Surprise! I didn't have to wait until work Monday to get your e-mail or to answer it. Your sister Janice is letting me use their computer in the family room. Only, I feel I should mention...she wondered, quite loudly, why _I_ got e-mail from the world traveler, and she didn't. Just a word to the wise.

You'll be happy to know that Friday is alive and well and living here in Scranton. We just had one a couple of days ago, and it was quite nice. It was a casual Friday too, now that it's June, so Michael got to wear his " jeans." He was one happy buckaroo.

So let's see...if it's 8:30 PM here, than it's 10:30 AM there..I think. So you are probably climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge right now. Your sister has the TV on, and there haven't been any news alerts about tourists plunging to their deaths in Sydney, so I guess you're okay. Of course, you may still be wrestling with the eastern groin groper that snuck into your pants overnight. Personally, that snake sounds more like fun than danger, though I suppose it could be both. At any rate I refuse to worry about you. I know that you are smart and aren't going to do anything foolish…right?

Okay...somebody here has a message for you.

HI UNCLE JIM I MISS YOU. BRING ME A KANGAROO. PLEASE.LOVE DAVID JOHN

Guess who that was? And your sister and Ted and your parents all say hello. Perhaps this isn't the most private place to e-mail. I really must get my own PC...this is ridiculous. Anyway, I had a really great time here today. Yesterday was a bit of a bummer, I must admit. The funny thing is, it poured rain all day, can you believe it? I took it as a sign that I made the right choice. I called my mom and we talked for a long time, and I think that she feels better about the way things happened. And your family has been great.

Oh...on a personal note, now that everybody has finally left the room. I wanted to thank you for that wonderful message you left on my answering machine the morning you left. That was so sweet…I was feeling so blue when I got home that night. I saved the little tape, and put in a new one...is that totally dorky of me? I don't care. I love you. Take care of yourself…oh and have fun.

Pam


	2. Chapter 2

Jim Down Under

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 13, 2006 3:36 PM

To: Pbeesly

Mscott

Jporter

Jlevenson

Pkristoph

Subject: Hello from Sydney!

Hello to everybody from Australia! I just wanted you all to know that I have arrived safely and am having a great time so far. The weather has been pretty bad, but I'm not letting it affect my plans. Yesterday I did the Sydney Harbor Bridge Climb…it was totally amazing. We weren't allowed to bring cameras up there, but they took a couple of photos, which I will send.

Today I went to Manly Beach, but am not quite ready to try surfing just yet.

I'll talk to you all soon, and try not to work too hard.

Jim Halpert

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 13, 2006 4:03 PM

To: JWilson

Subject: Sydney Day 4

Hey sisteriffic!

How's it going? I heard that you were PO'd that I hadn't e-mailed you from Australia. You know that you're my favorite sister, and I would never neglect you, but you also know that I've got to write to my girl. So what do you all think of Pam…she's great, right?

That e-mail from Davie was amazing…I didn't know he could do that! He must get his brains from Ted. Ow...I felt that! Hey…I met a brother and sister here from London, though the brother's been living in Australia for years. Anyway...the two of them insult each other even worse than we do, in the most colorful language. I should take notes so that I have some fun new things to call you when I get home, and you start acting like the boss of me as usual.

So, how are you feeling? Have you found out the baby's sex yet? And more importantly, are you going to tell us, or keep us in suspense like with Davie?

How are Mom and Dad? Guess what? You can tell Mom that I saw Russell Crowe's 12 million dollar apartment, in a renovated wharf and I got a good look at Nicole Kidman's new apartment right on Sydney Harbor, also. She wasn't home, though. Or at least she had her blinds closed. Yep...that's me...the Sydney Harbor Bridge stalker!

The bridge climb was incredible. I'm going to write it up in more detail for Pam and I will CC you, okay? This is for Davie.

HEY DAVIE,

YESTERDAY I CLIMBED A BIG BRIDGE. IT WAS SCARY, BUT FUN. TODAY I WENT TO THE BEACH, AND TOMORROW I'M GOING TO A WILDLIFE CENTER TO SEE SOME REAL KANGAROOS AND KOALA BEARS. I WISH I COULD BRING YOU HOME A REAL KANGAROO BUT THEY WON'T LET ME. BUT I'LL FIND A SPECIAL TOY KANGAROO JUST FOR YOU, OKAY? BE GOOD, AND LET MOMMY GET SOME REST.

LOVE, UNCLE JIM

I sent him a postcard, also. I'll talk to you soon. Love to Ted.

Jim

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 13, 2006 5:02 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Sydney Day 4

Dear Pam,

Sorry, I didn't get a chance to write yesterday. It was a crazy day. Whew! I have finally sent out my postcards, and e-mailed my sister and some of the people from work, and now I can relax with a cup of tea that I made in my room, and some Tim Tams, which are absolutely the best cookie ever invented, and tell you all about my incredible adventure.

I had planned to meet Colin, George and Grace downstairs for breakfast at 7:00 AM. First of all, I have to say a word about the breakfasts here. I get a full breakfast included every morning, and by full, they aren't kidding. I may never be content with a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a piece of toast again. They have scrambled eggs, incredible bacon, sausage, mushrooms and grilled tomatoes, plus pancakes and cereal, fresh fruit, croissants, Danish pastries, yogurt...you name it. There is also some thin white stuff that looks like cream of wheat, but is actually Congee. George told me that it's Chinese rice porridge and there are pickle-y type condiments to put in it. I haven't tried it yet, but I plan to, one of these days. There is also vegemite, for those of us brave souls who wish to spread it on toast. I tried it, and the best thing I can say is that it tastes very healthy. I mean, you know it has to be good for you with a taste like that!

Anyway, I came downstairs to the restaurant and it was absolutely pouring down rain outside! The weather forecast had called for occasional showers, not monsoons! The restaurant has a glassed in terrace, and water was running down the glass walls in sheets. Colin and Grace came down full of unquotable comments about the "bloody, sodding" weather. Then George came down with more of the same. But what could we do? The climb is rain or shine and we'd already paid.

We had to be there a half-hour early for our 8:45 appointment, so we arrived a little after 8. We were put together in groups of 12, and our group consisted of the four of us, four Chorus people from an LA group called Windsong, (known by their nametags) and four Aussies from Brisbane. In the lobby there is wall full of signed photos of celebrities who have done the climb, and signed jerseys from various sports teams. Just think...I am following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole Smith! At 8:45, we went into a little room where we were shown a video about what to expect, and a little history of the bridge. Then we went into another room where we were given our uniforms to put on. You could put them over your clothing, but the guides said it might actually be too hot, and we were sent into changing cubicles. We had to remove all watches, large hoop earrings, etc…anything, which might come loose and kill somebody on the ground, and put them in a locker with a key that went around our necks. We had also been requested to wear rubber-soled shoes or sneakers.

The uniforms were gray and blue Star Trek type jump suits that zipped up the back. Over that we put protective waterproof pants. I was thankful that I had taken off my jeans, since the waterproof pants were really warm. Next we had to step into these Batman like utility belts, which were attached with a kind of cable and roller mechanism to metal tracks along the wall. We had to pull the rollers along with us until we reached the end of the track, at which time we had to grab the roller to keep it from swinging free and whacking us in the balls. (As our guides, Mick and Brian, were quick to warn us about) We then hooked the roller onto our utility belts. We were issued a waterproof jacket in a pouch, which was clipped onto one side of our belt, and a warm jacket in a pouch, which was clipped onto the other side of our belt. We were given a knit cap and a baseball cap, again clipped to our jump suits. The most useful thing we got was a blue handkerchief on an elastic band to put around our wrist and wrap around and tuck into our sleeve. Dressed, we were given a practice run at the series of four ladders that we would have to climb one person at a time. It was fairly easy climbing to a scaffold that was about 10 feet off the ground. I wasn't too sure how it would be when we got to the real thing. Then we were issued earphones, which attached around our heads with Velcro, so that we could hear Mick, and were attached to a radio transmitter, which went into a pocket at the back of our utility belt. The whole outfit, as bizarre as it was, was designed so that you could add or subtract layers without detaching anything from your suit. I swear, I was totally channeling Dwight at that moment...it was just so COOL!

At this time, our little troupe was led outside to the bridge itself. Incredibly, the rain had totally stopped, and the sun was shining! We walked a few yards and climbed some stairs, which led to some wooden pathways leading to the bridge. At the stairs, our rollers were slid onto the end of a track, like the one in the dressing room, so that we were now attached to the railing with an extremely secure looking cable. I was excited, but really not afraid at all. It seemed very safe. We had Mick in front of us, and Brian behind us, and Mick was giving us a running commentary, explaining all about the structure of the bridge, and the history of the bridge climb, which is totally owned and operated by a private firm.

We had now arrived at the infamous ladders. Not only were we climbing straight up, but we would be popping up, like prairie dogs, between two lanes of traffic on the bridge! Anyway, it wasn't too bad. I just kept my eyes on the ladder, and took my time. The hard part was the platforms between ladders where you had to skootch sideways to get to the next ladder, all the time keeping your roller from getting hung up on the track. As we got to the top of the ladders, I could really feel the wind, but I had no need to put on either of my jackets. I did put on my knit cap with the baseball cap on top. A very attractive look, I'm sure.

Now we were at the arch of the bridge and we had to walk up a series of metal stairs. It was a good workout, but not too hard. Now we could really see Sydney Harbor. The wind was making my nose run, so that handkerchief really came in handy. Mick was pointing out all of the sights, including the opera house and the Sydney skyline, Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe's apartments, not to mention the homes of the Prime Minister and the Royal Governor of Australia. It was just gorgeous. The weather could not have been better. At the very top of the bridge, they took pictures of the whole group and individually. We got a free group picture with our admission, but you know that everybody was going to spring for the individual ones.

Then it was time to walk down. Everything was fine until I got to that set of ladders going down this time. This time there was a train rushing by me, on one side, and traffic on the other as I passed through the roadway of the bridge, which was a bit disconcerting, to say the least. I'm not sure why it was so much easier to climb up than down, but my heart was in my throat all the way to the bottom. Those little sideways skootches were the worst. But I made it!

It took almost as long to get out of all that gear as it did to get into it. Finally we were all changed and back in the lobby again. Colin was looking a little green, but he had managed the climb without any real problem. He and Grace had a really good photo taken together. George had done the climb before, though he said the conditions were much better this time. And, would you believe it...as we were walking out of the bridge climb building towards the nearest pub for lunch…it started to rain again. A few drops at first and then it was a total deluge. Pretty amazing, huh?

When we got to the pub, we discovered that World cup fever had taken the place over completely, so we pretty much cancelled any other plans we had for the day and just joined in. But it was a bad day for the home teams. England had won their first match against Paraguay on the 10th, and was still in the running, but both the US and Australia were beaten, so there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Well, mostly there was drinking. George treated Gracie, Colin and me to a beer for climbing the bridge, but then there was a whole lot more beer, and I don't think I paid for any of it, though I'm pretty sure I offered. I seem to remember some sandwiches and chips appearing at one point, and I think I remember joining in a very loud and mournful rendition of Waltzing Matilda, which I don't even know, but nobody seemed to mind, or even notice. Somehow Colin, Grace and I did end up back at the hotel safe and sound, while George decided to stay in town and party some more, but that's about all I do remember. So, all in all, it was quite a day.

Today I got off to kind of a late start, as you can imagine. But I made myself eat some breakfast…coffee and toast…no vegemite, and took the bus to Manly Beach. I think I've had enough World Cup fever to last me for a while. The weather was kind of iffy...again, though it wasn't actually raining and the temperature was about 55 degrees, which was way too cold to go swimming, in my opinion. But I just wanted to walk on the beach and maybe dip my toes in the South Pacific. Well, imagine my surprise when I got to the beach and it was packed. People were surfing and packs of kids in red tee shirts…some school group or camp…were running relay races in and out of the water, and playing with blue boogie boards. People were walking dogs along the path, and all the seaside restaurants and shops were doing booming business. I guess nobody got the memo that it's supposed to be winter. I really want to try surfing, but I think I'll wait and try it at Bondi beach on Friday.

I'm really wiped out...I think that jet lag is finally catching up with me. And no...it's not just the beer from yesterday. I pretty much walked that off on the beach. I think I'll just have a quick sandwich downstairs...or maybe I'll walk up the road to a place I keep passing called Elvis Pizza...that has GOT to be good, and then I'll turn in early. Tomorrow I'm planning on the Featherdale Wildlife Center. God…this was a long letter!

Love and kisses,

Your intrepid (and long winded) boyfriend

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 12, 2006 10:45 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 4

Dear Intrepid Boyfriend,

This is so bizarre. Here I am reading the letter you wrote…tomorrow? It's so cool…it's almost like time travel. Hey...I could warn you… be careful not to drink too much beer later today…oh and the US will lose its first Soccer game 2 to zip. Cue Twilight Zone music

I hope you don't mind, but I printed up the bridge climb part of your letter and shared it with pretty much everybody in the Office. Dwight was practically pea green with envy. Dave, the new salesman, said, and I quote, "Awesome." Phyllis tells me to tell you that she's very proud of you. Kelly had a whole lot to say…I think the upshot was that she thinks that you are totally cool. And even Ryan was impressed. Angela thought that you were brave but foolhardy. Maybe if you were making the climb to rescue kittens or something, she might see the value in it.

I didn't show it to Michael, though. I don't think he can handle it. His ego is very fragile.

Have I mentioned that Angela has turned into a total Bridezilla? Please tell me that I wasn't that bad…no actually...don't tell me. I don't want to know. I mean, she sits all the way across the room from me and I can't stand it...I can only imagine what you must have gone through.

Actually, I'm feeling kind of pea green with envy, myself. Your trip sounds so wonderful. Rotten weather and all. I really am proud of you for making the trip and the climb and for getting out of your rut. My turn comes in a couple of weeks when my internship starts. I can't wait.

In the meantime I am taking a watercolor course at the high school starting this Thursday night. I vaguely remember the instructor's name from the gallery…I think he shows his work there. If he's the person I remember, he is really good, so he should be able to help me a lot.

Meanwhile, life goes on. At least I get to read your travelogue...I just love it. What's next, oh explorer from the future? Kangaroos? Koalas? Platypusses? Hug a koala bear for me.

Love and kisses,

Pam


	3. Chapter 3

Jim Down Under

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 14, 2006 7:06 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Sydney Day 5

Dear Pam,

You're right…this does feel a bit like time travel. And last night I took a trip into the past when I ate dinner at Elvis Pizza. The whole place was covered with Elvis memorabilia and photos, there was Elvis music playing loudly, and the owner looked a little bit like…well, you know they do say he didn't really die. Maybe he just moved to Sydney and opened up a pizza place.

Today Colin, Grace and I hopped on a bus and went out to Featherdale Wildlife Park. I'm not a big zoo person, not since I was a kid, anyway. But since Australia is famous for its unusual animals, I thought I should at least get a look at some of them, since I was unlikely to run into a kangaroo in downtown Sydney. George had no interest in going and possibly had plans for some wildlife of his own, but Grace wanted to see the koala bears and Colin was happy to oblige, especially since no heights were involved.

On the way we passed the Olympic Stadium where the opening and closing ceremonies of the Sydney Olympics were held in 2000. Bill Bryson has a whole chapter on the Sydney games, so I was interested to see the stadium. It would have been a perfect location for Flonkerton. Time to give that sport the respect it deserves!

The wildlife center was really cool, as it turns out. It's not really a zoo...the only animals in cages are the birds that are likely to fly away. Most of the animals are in compounds, protected by low walls or just wandering around free. There were kangaroos, Emus, and wallabies walking around that you could feed. The food was some sort of dried green grassy flakes in ice cream cones. You were supposed to buy them, but I saw a couple on a wall and just took one. Nobody seemed to mind. You would have just loved this place, Pam…I really felt bad that you weren't here, especially watching Gracie get all excited over all the really cute animals. They had these Echidnas, which are like small porcupines with really weird looking spines, and a hyperactive Tasmanian Devil, who kept running around his rock in a circle. I couldn't even get his picture, he was moving so fast. There were also Cassowaries, which are huge Ostrich like birds with giant claws and a bony "protuberance" on their heads that make them look very prehistoric.

Over by a bench I noticed a small, very fluffy owl type bird with a long bill. He was just sitting there on a low wall, and I reached out to pet him. He just blinked at me, and sat there very patiently while I patted his head. I wanted to take him home with me. He reminded me of Errol…Ron Weasley's owl, though he wasn't actually an owl. He was called a Coneymouth. And do you remember the song, "Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree," from grade school? Well, Kookaburras were roosting all around, on low trees, also not in cages. They are incredibly fluffy birds, also, really pretty.

But the best thing? Miniature blue and white…penguins! I had no idea that Australia had penguins, but they do...they are called fairy penguins, I think, and they don't require as cold temperatures as other penguins. And they are really small, less than a foot high, and running all over, diving into their pond, and making an incredible racket. Davie would have gone nuts. Then there was the koala area where you could pet koala bears and take pictures, etc. You can't, by law, pick them up, but you can pet them, and so Colin took my picture with one, for you. They are quite cuddly, but smell like cough drops, because they eat nothing but eucalyptus leaves.

Colin and I went into the reptile house, but Grace wouldn't go. They had some of the poisonous snakes that Australia is famous for, and some cool looking lizards. Outside, there was a bat cage with flying foxes hanging all around, and climbing up and down the walls in a very creepy manner. I was very disappointed, though, that there was not one Eastern Groin Groper. A very incomplete zoo, if you ask me.

Oh...there were also no Platypuses. Those can be found in the Aquarium, which is supposedly really good, with a walk-through shark tunnel and giant crocodiles. So maybe I'll check that out.

So, anyway, as we were walking around, following the path, looking at the white peacocks and the world's cutest dingo puppies, I heard a shriek. I turned around and there was Gracie being mugged by a kangaroo. He had his head in her purse and was rooting around in there with his human like hands. I don't know what she had in there that he wanted, but he was not taking no for an answer. Colin distracted him with a cone full of food, while I basically wrestled him out of Gracie's purse. Once the 'roo was contentedly eating out of Colin's hand, the three of us started to laugh like crazy. So now you can add "kangaroo wrestler" to my resume now.

Colin and Grace had had enough wildlife, so we took the bus back to town. I wanted to look at the opal center, and Grace and Colin wanted to head back to the hotel and look up George. So we parted company. It's nice to have somebody to talk to, but I do like to do my own thing most of the time. It would be different if you were here. It's tough watching Colin and Grace together...they've only been married a year. Next summer, kiddo…you and I are going on a trip together. You just name the place, and I'll start saving as soon as I get back.

Tomorrow I'm scheduled to go out to a sheep station. The really real ones are too far away, so this one is probably a tourist trap, but what the heck. I am a tourist, right? Might as well see all the things that Australia is known for. And besides, Janice's all time favorite book is _The Thorn Birds_, so if I didn't see a sheep station she'd probably never forgive me.

I'm sending you photos of all the animals…wait 'til you see the penguins! I love you.

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 13, 2006 11:07 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 5

Oh...great pictures! You had better have one of those penguins in your backpack! I could keep him behind the desk, here, and just throw him fish now and then. Especially now that it's almost summer and Oscar has the thermostat set at 66, whenever he can get away with it. Maybe Oscar would take the hint, if I actually brought in a penguin! Or built an igloo.

Dwight tells me that Australia is known for really awful spiders. Snakes and sharks don't bother me, in theory, but I can't stand the thought of little deadly spiders hiding where you can't see them, just waiting for somebody to accidentally brush against them. Oooh...now I've creeped myself out. Be careful. Please?

Has your sister written you back yet? I loved _The Thorn Birds_ too, even the miniseries. It would be amazing to see a station like Drogheda, but I don't know if they even exist anymore. But at least you will get a glimpse of what it must have been like.

Are you going to be able to get to an opal mine? I know you wanted to, but I imagine that they are pretty far away also. When do you leave for Cairns?

Not much happening here. Typical Tuesday. Oh, I almost forgot…there is some news…the documentary crew is coming back on July 25th. Oh joy. And don't think that you're exempt, Stamford boy. I heard a rumor that they will be sending you your very own cameraman. I have no idea if it's true or not. I wonder if you have to sign a new waiver, or if they still have you under the old one? Food for thought, while you're shearing sheep tomorrow. Speaking of which, I think I might rent _The Thorn Birds_ tonight. They must have it out on DVD, don't you think? I haven't seen it in years.

Love,

Pam

From: JWilson

Sent: June 13, 2006 2:05 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Hey

Hey Brotheroni,

So, you think you're a big shot now for climbing a bridge. Big deal. Have a baby, and then I'll give you a medal! I'm just kidding…it sounds like you are having a really great time. I gave your e-mail to Mom and Dad. Their reaction was so typical. Mom immediately started fretting about how dangerous it is, and I had to tell her, " Mom...it's over…he already survived it. No point in panicking _now!_"

Dad just laughed and said, "So, what's he going to do next...bungee jump?" which started Mom on a whole new tirade. I promised her that you're not going to bungee jump. You're NOT going to bungee jump, are you?

Pam's been sending me excerpts of your e-mails. She really is great. We all like her. Don't mess it up, buddy. It's about time you settled down and stopped gallivanting around the world, getting drunk with strange Brits and wrestling kangaroos.

Listen, there's something I've got to tell you. Wait...don't panic…it's not that big a deal. It's Dad. The past couple of weeks he's been a little short of breath and having dizzy spells. Of course, being Dad he didn't tell anybody…you know him…the great stone face. Anyway, Ted found him out on Sunday when they were here, and made arrangements for him to get some tests. Ted thinks it may be a touch of emphysema…you know he smoked all those years...it's got to take a toll. Anyway, there is absolutely nothing for you to do...he probably won't even be having the tests for a week or so, and won't be getting the results until after you're home. Mom didn't want to tell you anything. But Pam and I talked about it and we both agreed that you would hate to be out of the loop. He just had a checkup last year…you know that Ted insists, and he was okay then, so it's probably not that serious. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling you, that it's not going to ruin your trip, because that was absolutely not my intention. I just want you to know what's going on, and believe me, if there was anything you could do to help, I would tell you. But there isn't, so you just do and see everything, just the way you planned it. Dad would never forgive you if you did otherwise. He brought your bridge climb letter down to the VFW to share with his buddies down there, so you know he's enjoying your trip vicariously as are we all. You keep e-mailing Pam, and she'll do the rest.

Oh...I can't believe you are going to visit an actual sheep station! Ooh...I think I'll go rent The Thorn Birds tonight. I haven't seen it in years.

We all love you,

Janice

From: Jporter

Sent: June 13, 2006 3:07 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Documentary

Hey Jim,

I am really sorry to bother you on your vacation. It sounds like you're having a great time.

But I got a phone call today from a woman named Berta, who is the Assistant Director of that documentary they're doing of the Scranton branch. She wanted to know if it would be all right with me if she sent a cameraman to cover you, starting on July 25th. She promises that it wouldn't be every day, only once or twice a week, at most. They just want to observe you as a manager. She assures me that it would only be one camera, with its own sound and wouldn't be that obtrusive. I told her that it was entirely up to you.

I've dealt with the cameras before...last February during our meeting with Corporate in NYC and it wasn't too bad. I understand that after a while you forget that they're there. But it might be nice for you to get away from constant surveillance, for a change. But, like I said, it's up to you. But I have to get back to her by the end of this week, so that's why I'm bothering you. Please let me know ASAP. Thanks.

Everybody says hi.

Josh Porter

Regional Manager

Dunder Mifflin Stamford Branch


	4. Chapter 4

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 15, 2006 8:02 PM

To: Pbeesly

CC: JWilson

Subject: Sydney Day 6

Hi Sweetheart. (Hi to Janice also)

Thank you for telling me about Dad. I mean it. You were right that I would hate to be out of the loop. If you are absolutely sure that there is nothing I can do by coming home early, I won't. But this way I will be forewarned, if for some reason I do have to come home. You will let me know, right?

Oh and you can tell Mom that I have no intention of bungee jumping on this trip. Of course I will be sky diving on Saturday…No. No. I'm kidding! I swear! No jumping out of or off of anything...I promise. No crocodile wrestling, no poisonous snake wrangling, no shark cages. And I'll even watch out for spiders.

So, now on to Tobruk, the Merino Sheep station. Since the both of you seem to have watched The Thorn Birds last night, you might be disappointed. At no point did I see any sexy priests lurking about. I did see lots of sheep, however. Tobruk claims to be a working sheep ranch, though a lot of what they do is tourist oriented. It was pretty interesting, though. The people who run it are the real thing…the guy who demonstrated the sheep shearing…when he says "Oive been sharin sheep for twenty eight yeahs," you believe him. And the dogs were totally amazing. They are sort of ordinary looking mixed breed dogs… but so smart...they can jump right up on a horse next to the rider, and they follow all sorts of commands, herding the sheep and guiding them into the gates. And when the sheep are in a clump, the dogs jump right on top of them and run around on top of them like they are just wooly pathways. They sometimes nip the sheep to get them to behave, but the sheep's skin and wool is so thick that they never break the skin.

The wool is not soft and fluffy like you would expect...instead it's greasy feeling, because of all the lanolin. When they soak the wool to clean it, the lanolin rises to the top and it is skimmed off and used for all sorts of skin care products. The shearer actually has to take off his shoes and wears these sheepskin slippers when he shears, because the lanolin from the fleeces softens the leather of shoes so much that they fall apart. He can shear a sheep in about a minute...and he does it all in one piece. It was incredible to watch. The sheep isn't too happy about the process and squirms like crazy, so the shearer also has to wrestle the sheep while wielding these electric clippers. And when he's done, he lets the poor naked sheep back into the pen and he takes the pile of fleece and shakes it out over a big table made of slats of wood. And the wool covers the table in one big piece like a fuzzy tablecloth, and the small scraps fall through the slats. And he goes around the fleece and trims off all the black and crusty stuff at the edges, from underneath the sheep, and then rolls the fleece up and throws it into the bin.

The tour featured a steak lunch with live entertainment, playing all kinds of Australian songs, which was pretty good. For dessert they had Lamington cake and Anzac biscuits, both Aussie staples. The Lamington is cake dipped in chocolate and covered with finely flaked coconut, and the Anzac biscuits date back from WWI when they were baked for the troops. The are a very crisp cookie, also with coconut in them, I think.

After lunch they took us outside to demonstrate some jackaroo skills; cracking whips and throwing boomerangs. You will be happy to know that I was one of the few who actually got my boomerang to return. More or less. The key is all in the wrist snap. You don't throw it like a Frisbee, or it just spins up into the air and comes down on your head. I wasn't quite so good at the whip. I didn't like the tail whizzing about my head and couldn't give it the real sharp snap that echoes all over the field. Oh well. Now I'll have to give up my plan to work a whip into my management style at the Stamford branch.

For afternoon tea, we got damper bread and billy tea, stockman fare from out in the fields. The bread is baked in a bucket over a fire, and served with margarine and golden syrup, which sounds weird, but it is very good. The tea is boiled in a billy, which is a can with a handle...like a paint can. The stockman demonstrated cooling the tea by swinging the bucket in a big circle over his head without spilling any of it. The speakers were all very entertaining. I love their accents. You'd better beware; between the Brits and the Aussies I've been hanging around with, I may have picked up a bit of an accent. You know how I love to imitate people. Well, I keep finding myself doing it unintentionally. They don't seem to mind, thank goodness.

I fell asleep on the long bus ride back to Sidney. Jet lag hasn't been bothering me too much, because I traveled from East to West. Apparently it really hits you when you go the other way, so I look forward to a long recovery period when I get home.

Oh...the opal center. I went to a place last night called The Costello Opal Discovery Centre on George Street. I wanted to find out about opals before even considering buying any of them. They showed a film which was fairly cheesy (at the end, the room shook, like a mining cave-in...Oh no!) but informative. Basically there are three types of Australian opals, black, boulder, and white. The black opals are the rarest being found in only one place in Australia…Lightning Ridge. These are not called black because of the color of the stone, but because of the color of the ore it comes from, which is the backing of the stone. Since opals are translucent, they need something behind it to bring out the color. The black rock really emphasizes it. Okay...do not expect to find any black opals in your Christmas stocking this year. I saw one at the center that cost $40,000. Of course that is in Australian dollars which means that it's a mere $30,000 American. The next most valuable is the boulder opal, which has a brown stone at the backing. These were also gorgeous, but majorly expensive. White Opals are light colored with light backing. They are found at Cooper Peedy, which is a mine near Adelaide where George lives. Quite far from Sydney, I'm afraid. Most of the mines are, I've discovered. Australian opals are prized because they re so dry…opals from other places can crack because they still contain a lot of moisture. The dry conditions in Australia make for stronger opals. Or so they claim. Anyway, going further down the price ladder and beginning to edge into affordable territory, are doublets and triplets. Doublets are slices of opal glued onto a backing rock, while triplets also have a dome of clear quartz glued to the opal to protect it and bring out the color. Since both use smaller amount of actual opal, the prices are quite reasonable. I thought that the opal prices at the center seemed high to me…I'm not doing any shopping yet.

Anyway, Pam, you were right. They are sending me a cameraman on July 26th, if I give the okay. I figure I might as well, since they will be taping you too. We started this thing together; we may as well continue it that way.

Okay...that's my tale for today. Say hi to everybody, and tell Mom to try not to worry too much about Dad...at least until his tests come back. I bought a phone card at the local convenience store and will give her a call tonight...I'll try to figure out a reasonable hour.

Bye for now...I love you both!

Jim

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 15, 2006 9:30 PM

To: Jporter

Subject: re: documentary

Hey Josh,

That's okay that you wrote me. As it turns out I'm very glad I brought my computer with me. It's kept me in touch with my family.

I don't have any problem with the cameraman, as long as it's all right with you. I'm used to it, and I know they have this story that they re trying to tell…I won't be sure what it is until we see the show, but I may as well go with it.

I'll be leaving Cairns on Friday the 23rd. As it turns out, I will arrive home that same day, giving me the weekend to recover...I hope.

Don't hesitate to write if you need me for anything. Hope everything is going well at the branch. Talk to you soon.

Jim Halpert

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 14, 2006 9:20 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 6

Dear Jim,

No sexy priests? What kind of lousy sheep station was that?

So when the jolly swagman in Waltzing Matilda is waiting while his billy boils, he is just making tea? (I googled the words when I was bored yesterday) Wow. Isn't it nice to know that your letters are educational as well as entertaining?

I was looking up opals on line (it was a very boring day yesterday) and my goodness…I didn't realize that they were so valuable. I had never really given much thought to them before…please don't spend all your money on stuff like that. At least not for me.

So what's on the agenda for tomorrow? The beach? Has the weather improved any? Aren't sharks a problem? And Dwight tells me something about jellyfish that can kill a man with one sting. Wouldn't you rather visit a nice safe aquarium? I'm just kidding…I know that the beaches are patrolled. (I looked it up…I was really bored yesterday) Actually, since you can water ski, you should be able to surf…don't you think? You should give it a try. Can you rent surfboards and wetsuits, etc.?

Ha. Ha. I have been invited to a party. It's from your friend Dan. I gather he is graduating from Law school this week, and his parents are throwing him a big shindig. (His word, not mine) The party is not until the 25th, though, since he knew you would be away. I'm sure your invitation is sitting in the Post Office waiting for you. That was nice of him to invite me, personally. He actually sent it here to the office, since he didn't know my actual address. And now I'll get to meet the famous Judy. That is, if you have recovered from your Australia coma by then.

I can't believe they are sending you your own cameraman. Dwight is going to be so jealous! What are they after, I wonder? When do we get to see some of this show? Maybe we should go on strike...refuse to say or do anything interesting until they show us some footage. Too bad you're not here to lead the rebellion!

I'm glad they you're calling your Mom. She will be so glad to hear from you. You should hear the way she talks about you, and shows off all your basketball trophies, and the things you made her for Mother's day. It's really cute. And your dad doesn't say anything, much, but I can tell he's really proud of you too. Don't you worry too much about him, either. Your brother in law seems to have it all under control, about the tests and all. If there's anything serious, they'll let you know right away.

Back to the grind.

Love,

Pam

From: JWilson

Sent: June 14, 2006 2:00 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 6

Hey bro!

Well, all I can say is that it mustn't have been much of a sheep station without a sexy priest hanging around causing trouble.

Dad's feeling better. Ted gave him some medication to relieve his symptoms until they can do definitive tests. I think he's scheduled to go in Monday the 19th. And if he needs any specialists, Ted knows just who to send him to.

On the very good news front…Our new little tadpole is doing very well. We just went to the doctor today. Ted and I are scheduled for Lamaze classes beginning in two weeks. I hope that Ted can actually make some of them this time. He was always on duty when I was pregnant with Davie, getting through his residency and all. This time it should be much easier. A word to the wise, baby brother? Plan your pregnancies. Well, not yours, exactly, but you know what I mean.

Talk to you soon.

Love,  
Janice


	5. Chapter 5

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 17, 2006 12:03 AM

To: Pbeesly

Cc: JWilson

Subject: Sydney Day 7

Dear Pam and Janice,

I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day in Sydney. Sunday morning I leave for Cairns and hopefully, some warm weather.

Today George and I went surfing at Bondi Beach. It was at least sunny, even if the temperatures were only in the high 50s. I figured that was the best weather I was going to get. Colin and Grace had some shopping to do, since they are leaving for London tomorrow. It's too bad, because tomorrow is THE day to shop in Sydney. The reason I haven't really bought anything so far is because there are three markets going on tomorrow in Sydney and I'm planning to find some bargains.

Anyway, George has been surfing at Bondi before, so he knew how to arrange lessons, etc. We got to the beach at about 11:00 AM, and hired "wettys" and surfboards. It seems that the bigger the surfboard, the easier it is to stand up on it, for beginners like me. I could have used one the size of a double bed. Our instructor's name was Max, and George and I called him Mad Max, because, basically, the guy was insane. There were five people in our group, all beginners or almost beginners like George.

Now about sharks (or "shacks" as they call them here) The beach is carefully marked with red and yellow flags, indicating which part of the beach is safe from bad undertow, sharks and jellyfish. This isn't jellyfish season, but you never know, and the box jellyfish is no joke. You're probably better off facing a shark. There are also lots of lifeguards, both professional and volunteer. It's considered very bad form to wave your arms unless you are in distress, and you will probably find yourself "rescued" if you wave to a friend.

Before our lesson, Max insisted on praying to Hughie, who is apparently the god of surfing. He prayed that our group wouldn't swallow too much seawater, and that we would be able to find our footing. Not a bad prayer, even if Mom wouldn't approve. We practiced first on the beach…the techniques of getting from a prone position to kneeling to eventually standing. You are attached to the board with an ankle strap, so that you won't lose it, and it won't lose you. My board was huge and blue...the basic rental board. Max had this red and white Xanadu surfboard that was awesome, and he could do all sorts of insane tricks on it.

Well, it turns out that it is somewhat of a disadvantage being really tall...it would be a bit easier to be short and squat...kind of like Danny Devito...lower center of gravity. I didn't do too badly though. After about five tries and after swallowing a lot of seawater, I was able to stand up for about a second. The problem was, being used to water skiing, I kept wanting to grab onto something, and there was nothing to grab onto. Still...it was so much fun, I can't tell you. Just that one second of actually standing on a surfboard was indescribable! George did much better than I did, but I didn't care. I was a surfer, dude!

After our two hour lesson, we surfed on our own for a little while, but there is only so many times you can wipe out before being ready for lunch. So we packed it in, and George took me to this place which is an after surf tradition. Janice...you will love this. It's a chocolate shop...and the traditional after surfing snack is a cup of liquid chocolate. Not hot chocolate, mind you, but pure melted chocolate. Talk about decadent. But it's not a big cup...slightly larger than a shot glass. Hardly any calories at all.

There were all kinds of people barbecuing on the beach...again nobody seems to have gotten the memo about it's being winter, but George and I went to a Thai place across the street. Okay, Pam, and Janice…I can hear you laughing at me from here. You all know that I'm not Mr. Adventurous when it comes to food…but hey this trip has been all about getting out of my rut, so…why not Thai food? I let George order, since I had no idea what was what, and we had some kind of chicken curry dish and Pad Thai which is noodles. (As you well know, I'm sure) Both were very good, though the lemongrass soup we had to start was really spicy, and I had to drink a lot of water. And we had some Thai beer, too, which was very good.

When we got back to the good old Vibe Hotel we met Colin and Grace who had just gotten back from shopping. Grace told me that I have got to go to the Queen Victoria Building, which is this magnificent shopping "mall" with two special clocks and all sort of interesting displays. I'll have to hit that tomorrow as part of my shopping expedition. Sigh...shopping...it's a dirty job, but somebody has got to do it. Hey...what do you want from me...I'm a guy!

Anyway, Grace and Colin had only come back to drop off their bags and then were off to the Aquarium. I decided to go along. George went off to do his thing…I'm not sure what exactly that is, and we will all meet up tonight for a special farewell dinner at the Sidney Tower, a revolving restaurant overlooking the city.

At the Sidney Aquarium, I finally got to see a platypus. Here's a quiz for you. How big do you think a platypus is? I was picturing something the size of a beaver, for some reason, maybe because they have a flat tail like a beaver. Well, they are little…less than a foot long, and the cutest thing you ever saw, swimming frantically around in their tank like fuzzy fish.

On the other side of the spectrum was the giant salt water crocodile, who just lay there with his eyes closed at the edge of his pond, as if daring anybody to stick their hand in. He was huge, about 12 feet long at least. According to Bill Bryson, these guys are very sneaky and, unlike fresh water crocs, who will avoid humans, will eat a person before they even know that they are in danger. He gives several grisly examples of this. Later when we passed him again, he was in stealth mode, lying at the bottom of his pond, pretending to be invisible, and pretty much succeeding. We could only find him because we could see him underwater through the glass and knew exactly where in the pond to look.

The coolest part of the aquarium, though, is the walk through shark tunnel. You basically walk though an underwater glass tunnel with sharks, groupers and giant stingrays passing over and around you as though you were under water with them. After seeing some of those sharks...let me just say that I'm glad I came here AFTER surfing and not before.

There was also a very exciting preview of the Great Barrier Reef, with some of the fish and coral I hope to see snorkeling. And tanks of some of the most amazing fish...the colors were just incredible. As an artist, you would have just loved this, Pam. It's just really almost unbelievable. Like, there was this one little fish that was half yellow and half purple, just like when you dyed Easter eggs as a kid, and got all artistic and dipped half of the egg in one color and half in another. I mean, what reason would it have to look like that? Is it some sort of natural selection that causes it, or was God just feeling really artistic that day? Looking at these fish really makes you wonder about things.

Tonight we all went out to dinner up in the Sydney Tower with its revolving restaurant. Have you ever been in one of those? I haven't and the effect is a bit dizzying. I think the restaurant makes one revolution every thirty minutes or so, which gives you plenty of time to see the whole of Sydney decked out in lights. Just beautiful. There was a huge buffet, and along with the roast ham, roast beef and pork, they also featured kangaroo meat, which I would have expected, and camel, which I wouldn't. Grace and Colin dared me to try them, which I did, and well, the kangaroo was better than the camel, which wasn't saying much. Both were sort of a beef/lamb cross that was a bit gamy, especially in the case of the camel. But hey…at least I got to say I ate kangaroo while I was in Australia. For dessert I had Pavlova, which is another traditional Aussie dessert, made of beaten egg whites, and whipped cream and served with fresh fruit.

George had brought along a friend...a guy named Tony, that he'd met in that pub the day we watched the World Cup. So, that is George's story, which kind of took me by surprise, actually. So, I guess when Grace called him a "poofter," that's what she meant. Anyway, Tony is a "Sydneysider," and was really fun, telling all of us stories about life in Sydney that I for one would never have found out on my own. Like the fact that there is a transvestite karaoke bar, right down the street from our hotel. Who knew? Anyway, it was a fun evening. I really wish you had been with me, but nobody made me feel like a fifth wheel or anything...they are really nice people. We all exchanged e-mail addresses. Who know, if we ever get to London, we can look them up.

Anyway, Colin and Grace have an early flight tomorrow, and came back to the hotel. George isn't leaving until later for Adelaide and wanted to continue partying, but I can't take late nights here...my body is still half on US time, so I came back with C & G. It was a quite a packed day today and I am exhausted.

Mom sounded good when I called her, but please let me know if there is any news.

(As Grace would say) Ta ta for now.

Jim

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 17, 2006 12:32 AM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: For your eyes only

Hi sweetheart,

I figured since you were sharing my e-mails with my sister, and through her the rest of the world, I would address them to both of you.

But I just wanted you to know how much I miss you. I've been looking at my photos...you know...the ones we took that last night, when you surprised me by showing up. Now I'm kind of sorry I only kept the PG-13 ones, though I can remember the other ones in agonizing detail. As much as I am loving this trip, in some ways I just wish it were over so I could come back to you. I know you're reading this at work, so I won't go on, but I love you very much, baby, and I'll see you soon.

XXX

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 16, 2006 9:46 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: For your eyes only

Hey Surfer Dude!

I'm sitting here blushing like crazy just thinking about those photos. Thank goodness the cameramen aren't here. Damn…the phone's been ringing like crazy this morning. I've had to read your letter in about 20 installments. I can't believe you ate Thai food without me! Not to mention all of the other stuff you're doing without me.

I'm glad you were able to make some friends while you were there. It's more fun when you have somebody to joke around with. That's why it's so lonely here, now. My best friend is gone. Not just my boyfriend, since you weren't really that while you were here, but my best friend. I miss you so much.

I wish that you were home, and by that I don't mean Stamford, dammit...I mean here, sitting at your old desk, living in your old house, lumpy bed and all. I'm sorry…I'm just feeling blue today. Please forgive me. I do want you to move up in the world and have a better life, but here I am, still stuck in this old life, and I can't help wishing you were still here with me.

I love you.

XXX

Pam


	6. Chapter 6

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 17, 2006 9:05 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Sydney Day 8

Ah Pam…I'm so sorry that you're feeling blue. I know just how you feel, believe me. When I think of home, I don't think of my empty apartment in Stamford. You've seen it…it's a box. Maybe someday it will be a home, but right now it's got a long way to go. And when I think of co-workers, it's people like Michael and Dwight that I think of...as frightening as that seems…not the perfectly nice people in Stamford that I barely know. And you, of course. Always you.

The longer I stay here in Australia, the more up in the air I seem to be. I know that moving to Stamford was a smart decision, but sometimes smart isn't always wise. Does that make any sense? But at any rate, for better or worse I seem to be committed to the Stamford branch for the present. And I know that you have to stay at Dunder Mifflin at least through your internship, which could lead to a better job for you, either in or out of that company. There is no room for you to transfer to the Stamford branch...believe me, I have contemplated all sorts of lurid plans for getting rid of Lisa, but she seems to be settled in for the duration. So I guess we're stuck with the status quo for now…a long distance relationship, with weekends here and there. And the distance seems longer every day.

Anyway, tomorrow I leave for Cairns. There are a couple of things I want to do there, that I would regret missing, such as snorkeling on the reef and visiting the rain forest. But after that I have no need to sit on the beach…I can do that at home...where it's actually summer. And this whole thing with my Dad has got me antsy. So...We'll see what happens when I get to Cairns tomorrow.

I am totally exhausted. I can't believe how tiring shopping is...I must have walked 20 miles today. There are three markets that happen on Saturdays in Sydney. One is the Peddy market, which is in a huge warehouse like building and is basically a giant flea market. It is the place to buy tee shirts and clothing, toys and hats, plus there is a huge food market upstairs. There is also a frightening amount of tacky souvenirs. I almost bought Davie a wonderfully realistic snake, but I was afraid I would frighten Janice into early labor. So I resisted.

Then there is The Rocks Market, which is held outside at the end of George St. under white tent like awnings. This is a more upscale market, and you can buy jewelry and nicer clothing. I did a lot of shopping there. (No telling what I bought…you'll just have to wait until I get home!) Finally, there is the Paddington market, held at Paddington School, which is kind of a craft fair. I bought a few interesting things there.

Across from the Sydney Town hall is the Queen Victoria Building, which is gorgeous. Very elaborate and ornate, it is one of the fanciest malls I have ever seen. The displays include a Chinese wedding coach, carved entirely out of jade and a revolving mannequin of Queen Victoria on her coronation day. There are two hanging clocks, one British and one Australian. The British one shows scenes from British history when the clock strikes the hour, and the Australia one shows scenes from Australian history, when a coin is placed in the slot on the Seeing Eye Dog statue…the money going to charity. Every day at noon, they have opera under the huge stained glass dome right in the middle of the building. The shops here are very expensive, but it was worth seeing.

Tonight I just ate an early dinner, and was all set to go to bed, when I remembered someplace I have been meaning to visit. Right next door to our hotel is something the Aussies call a Wagering Lounge. It's a bar and an OTB, but it also has "pokie machines." So I had a beer and won 10 dollars on the slots. Luckily, I was so tired that I quit before I could lose it all again. So here I am drinking tea and eating Tim Tams…my usual bedtime snack, a whole $7.50US richer.

I must say that Sydney is just beautiful. It's very clean and the people are very friendly. But I am looking forward to getting out of the big city and going someplace a bit more resort-like. I'm taking the hotel transport to the airport tomorrow at 9:00 am for my flight to Cairns.

I miss you.

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 17, 2006 9:06 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Sydney Day 8

Dear Jim,

Please, please…don't let my passing bad mood affect your trip. You must do everything you had planned to do…no exceptions! Just keep asking yourself this question…When is the next time I am ever going to get to Australia? Anything that you don't get to do…you will regret. Your dad is okay…I spoke to Janice yesterday, and I am fine too. I miss you…but, so what else is new? I will survive just fine until you come home, loaded down with didgeridoos and boomerangs and those funny hats with the dangling corks on them, giant stuffed crocodiles and heaven knows what else. I know what happens when you send a man shopping!

Oh...I RSVP'd to your friend Dan about his party. I told him we'd come if you were conscious, and knowing you, even if you weren't.

Love and kisses,

Pam

From: JWilson

Sent: June 17, 2006 2:00PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: Sydney Day 8

Hey bro,

I just wanted to catch you up on the latest. Dad has a Doctor's appointment on Monday the 19th. Dr. Shah is a good friend of Ted's and will tell us what's what. So don't worry. I spoke to Pam yesterday and she's writing you the same as I am. Keep on with your trip…do everything. We all have to live vicariously through you, you know. I'm not getting to Australia any time soon…or any place else for that matter. And neither are Mom and Dad. So…you have to be the foreign correspondent for all of us.

I was just watching a show about the Great Barrier Reef on the Discovery channel. It looks awesome. I've been spending my days sitting in Davie's wading pool, just waiting for this baby to be born. In this bathing suit I bought in a moment of insanity, I look like a baby blue whale. I keep expecting people to try and push me out to sea. Why on earth I would choose August as the month to have a baby...I don't know.

Davie has been all excited about the photos you've sent. He's seen Crocodile Hunter on TV, and seems convinced that he's going to see you on the show, now that he's seen you with all those animals. Oh...and thanks for not buying him a snake, fake or otherwise.

Your fat sister,

Janice

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 18, 2006 2:32 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Cairns Day 1

Hi Sweetheart,

I'm feeling much better about things, thanks to your letter and Janice's. Poor Janice…she sounds miserable. What's the weather been like there…is it really hot?

This morning when I came down for my last "brekkie" at the Vibe, all of the chorus people were there too, having a big farewell breakfast. It was really nice…they sang a couple of song parodies they had written for their conductor and tour director. I didn't get many of the jokes, but they sounded a lot better than "You have won a tiny Dundee." They were splitting up; some were going on to Cairns, for a tour extension, some home, and a few on to other places like New Zealand or Adelaide.

My flight to Cairns was three hours long. One thing I got from the Bryson book is the fact that Australia is a really huge country and everything is very far away from everything else. Which is why dashing off to visit Alice Springs or Ayers Rock (Now properly called Uluru) or the Coober Pedy opal mine is really out of the question. It would take a much longer trip and a much bigger budget than mine.

Arriving in Cairns, however, was hitting an entirely different climate. It felt like Florida…and looked a bit like it too. One of the chorus people said that it reminded her of Miami back in the 50s or 60s before it got overdeveloped. I wouldn't know about that. We went to Disneyworld when I was 11. That's my knowledge of Florida. But I do remember the palm trees and the way the air felt. My hotel, The Cairns Country Club Resort is great! It is totally huge. My room was miles away from the lobby, past three swimming pools with waterfalls and a swim-up bar, a gigantic indoor/outdoor restaurant and all sorts of tropical gardens.

In theory, this is the dry season, but our hotel bus driver told us that it's done nothing but rain for the past few weeks, which has put quite a damper on all of the reef activities. It's not raining today, thank goodness, and the temperature is in the 70s. My room overlooks one of the pools, and I think I'll go for a swim and check out the swim up bar. It's great to be able to put on a bathing suit and not have to cover it up with a snowsuit like in Sydney.

As we were driving through the resort town of Cairns I saw a bar called The Dundees, which reminded me of you, for some reason, and one called Shenanigans, which looked like fun. There is an Esplanade, like a boardwalk, I guess, near the water, with shops and restaurants. The hotel has a free shuttle bus back and forth. There is even a huge casino. But I'm not sure I could top my winnings in the Wagering Lounge in Sydney.

Tomorrow is my Reef Adventure. Pray for sun.

Love,

Jim

PS: Yes, by all means, tell Dan we'll come to his party. I've been meaning to e-mail him. At least I sent him a post card, and bought him a truly hideous souvenir.


	7. Chapter 7

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 18, 2006 10:02 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Cairns Day 1

Well, I prayed for sun, but it's probably too late. Can I pray for retroactive sun? You're going to be so spoiled after lounging around three swimming pools and snorkeling in the Coral Sea that you probably aren't going to want to hang out in Davie's wading pool, when you get back...and it's got Dora the Explorer characters on it , too!

I just realized that I've never seen you in a bathing suit. We will have to remedy this situation when you get back. Dan's invitation specifically mentions a swimming pool. I might actually buy something new, myself, for the occasion. I don't think we will be going water skiing or riding a wave runner, so I think that a bikini might be just the ticket. What do you think? I've been going to the gym every day after work…did I mention that? Of course, you've been lounging around a pool eating Tim Tams, whatever they are, and drinking beer, not to mention eating all those Australian breakfasts, so I imagine you probably look like Kevin in a bathing suit these days…ah such a pity!

Guess what…I got my invitation to Dwight and Angela's wedding in the mail yesterday. August 26 is the big day. I am invited "with guest," in case you don't get one of your own. I didn't ask her if she invited you. I've kind of been avoiding Angela and Dwight lately. They both have been pestering me with questions whenever they see me…you would think I was Martha Stewart. I've planned exactly one wedding which, as I recall, never happened! So I am hardly an expert. The reception is going to be at Dwight's farm. So that should be an adventure. Didn't he mention to you once that his farm only has one bathroom, and that it was under a porch? I can't imagine Angela approving of such a thing. I'm picturing lovely bouquets of beets blending nicely with Angela's bridesmaids in varying shades of gray…now that I think of it I would be an awesome wedding planner! But only if we can get Michael to actually perform the ceremony as Ping. Kevin is agitating for his band to play…I wonder if Dwight will go for it? Can you tell that I'm in a silly mood today?

If you are taking a boat out to the reef, two bits of advice; wear plenty of sunscreen and don't forget to take Dramamine _before_ you get on the boat. From what I read on the website, it can be pretty rough going out there. This isn't Lake Wallenpaupack, you know.

Have a great time.

Love and kisses,

Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 19, 2006 6:02PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Cairns Day 2

Dearest Pam,

Well your prayer for sun might have been late, but it worked anyway. We had a wonderful day. Well, most of it was wonderful, that is. Your advice about the Dramamine came just a bit too late. I've been on boats lots of times and have never been sick, so I didn't think I needed it on the catamaran. Maybe the fact that it was called The Wavedancer should have given me a clue. Anyway, after an hour of "wave dancing" I was pretty sick, though it didn't get too extreme, if you get my drift.

With the Aussie's tendency to give nicknames to everything, it should be no surprise that the way to deal with the sun out here is called "Slip, slap, slop." That means slip on a shirt, slap on a hat, and slop on sunscreen. I gather that the sun here is pretty intense, and can burn you quicker than my old toaster. I had bought a hat at the flea market in Sydney and had bought some good sunscreen at the hotel shop, so I was pretty well prepared, or so I thought.

The accents up here in Cairns (pronounced Cans) are even more extreme than in Sydney. Perfect example. As we were getting off the boat onto the island (land at last, thank God!) the mate called out, "Now don't forget your tails!" Tails? The last time I looked, I didn't have one. But as we all stared at him uncomprehendingly, he finally grabbed somebody's beach towel and waved it around, "Your tails!" Aha! Beach tails! I had a couple of those, provided by the hotel.

Okay…here comes the slightly embarrassing part. On the boat, we were offered, for a small fee, protective suits. These were like wet suits only thinner and more encompassing. The point being that they would protect you from accidental contact with the coral, and exposure to the sun. Since I hadn't taken their advice about the Dramamine, to my regret, I decided to go with the suit, as did pretty much everybody else on the boat. The suits were terrific, I admit. They were one piece, made of very thin but strong material, zip up suits which had stirrup feet, a hood and even mittens, with slits so that you could stick your fingers out if necessary. Apparently coral can really give you a bad cut, which can easily get infected…or they just wanted to rent a bunch of these suits…you take your pick.

So I put this thing on, which was a bright electric blue, and well, wait until you see the pictures! Despite the Tim Tams, I am still quite thin, thank you very much, but there were quite a few people on the boat who weren't. People, who shouldn't have even been wearing bathing suits, no less skin tight bright blue body suits. The whole island looked like a Teletubby convention, and I looked like a blue colored pencil.

Add flippers, masks and snorkels, and we now looked like _alien_ Teletubbies. The funniest thing was that as we went out onto the reef we were supposed to go with a buddy, for safety. Some young girl…I think she was one of the chorus people…she looked vaguely familiar from the Vibe hotel...asked if she could be my partner. I said sure, but once we were all suited up and out on the water, she pretty much looked like everybody else, and I never could keep track of her. You are swimming with your face in the water, trying not to drift onto the actual coral, which is amazing, by the way, and every once in a while you look up to see where you are…and there are bunches of identical blue people, doing the same thing. They really need a better way to identify people. At any rate, she didn't drown…I saw her later on the way back in the boat. But I don't think she was too happy with me.

But, I, on the other hand, had a great time. The suits…as silly as they looked, really did the trick. I didn't have to worry about sunscreen or coral scratches and could just drift around and look to my heart's content. We saw sea turtles…giant things the size of tables and so many gorgeous fish, it was beyond description. I even saw one of those half yellow/half purple things I saw at the aquarium! The coral was really cool, too, moving with the water, with the little fish drifting in and out. I wish I had an underwater camera, but I forgot to buy one of those cheap disposable ones at home, and the ones on the boat were too expensive. Still, I'm sure there are better pictures to be found elsewhere...the amazing thing was seeing all this stuff in person, for real!

I swam until last call for lunch, then peeled off my blue man group costume, and ate on the boat. They did a really nice buffet. After lunch I decided against trying to get my suit, which was now wet and full of sand, back on, and took a ride on the glass bottomed boat, instead. I got to see a lot of the reef further out than I had gone while snorkeling.

Before we took off again, I remembered to take Dramamine and I was fine on the ride back. The Captain said that we had the first good weather he's seen in weeks! On the way back the mate took out a guitar and sang. He was really good, too. You know…I should take guitar lessons again. Not that I'm a great singer, as you know, but I would love to be able to play more than the opening chords to Stairway to Heaven. One of these days. After all, you're taking painting lessons again.

This evening, I think I will go out and have dinner on the esplanade.

There's something I just love. It's one of my absolute favorite sensual experiences. It's after a day at the beach…and it has to be a beach, not a lake or a pool. You come back to the beach house or hotel (somehow it's never home) and you are kind of sticky from the salt water, and kind of sandy in odd places, and maybe a little bit sunburned (this doesn't work if you are really sunburned, but a little bit is good) and you take a hot shower, and wash all the sand and crap out of your hair, and come out, put on clean clothes and have an ice cold drink. When I was a kid it was a Coke, now it's a cold beer. And that whole feeling is something I just love. I'm not describing it well, I'm sure. That, and the feeling of walking on the beach in the late, late afternoon, are probably among my favorite things. My Mom's brother used to have a house at the Jersey shore and we would go there for a week or so each summer. It was just wonderful.

Which brings me to my big plan for tomorrow, which is precisely nothing. I'm taking the day off from my vacation. I've got three pools and an entire ocean with an esplanade. If it's not raining, I'm just going to hang out tomorrow. I have one more big trip planned…to the rain forest, but I'll save that for Wednesday. I also have to do some wash before my underwear situation reaches a crisis.

Love,

Jim


	8. Chapter 8

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 19, 2006 10:30 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Cairns Day 2

Dear Blue Man,

Oh my God...those pictures were hilarious. I can't believe those outfits. You're right…some people were just not made for skintight electric blue body suits. It sounds like a wonderful day, though...well except for the seasickness.

Does your Uncle still have a beach house at the Jersey Shore? I've always wanted to do that. As you know, Pennsylvania isn't noted for its beaches. My family went to Atlantic City once when I was a kid, but I haven't been to the beach all that much, mostly lakes. I was only about 6 or 7 when I was last in the ocean, so I don't remember that salty, sandy "after the beach" feeling you describe.

It's funny…my family went to Disneyworld, too, when I was 8. Maybe it's some kind of a rule…that all families are required to go to a Disney theme park at least once. I'll never forget it. My sister, Beth, who was 6, ate too much candy and threw up in It's a Small World. To this day I always associate that horrible song with the smell of vomit. Now, there's a sensual experience I don't care to repeat.

You never met my sister, Beth, did you? She lives in South Williamsport, near my Father, and works at the Mall. She was going to be my maid of honor, but we really don't have much in common. She's a lot like my Dad, who…well, let's not go there. Some day, when we're together, I'll tell you the whole saga about my family. At any rate, I get along a lot better with your sister Janice. I talk to her almost every day, and we laugh a lot about your e-mails and stuff. By the way…she is really sick of being pregnant. She declares, never again.

Here in Scranton, Michael is still dating Carol, the realtor. Isn't that amazing? I know, because I have to organize his schedule, and make his restaurant reservations, and buy his movie tickets on Fandango. I should just go on the dates myself and cut out the middleman. I've never dated a realtor.

Anyway, here comes a bunch of faxes. Got to get back to work.

Love and kisses,

Pam

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 20, 2006 8:05 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Cairns Day 3

Dear Pam,

You know, I've just realized that you really don't talk much about your family, except your Mom. I know that you have a younger sister, Beth, and that your Father had a heart attack when you were in college, which is why you didn't finish, but that's about all I know. Are your parents even still together? It's embarrassing that I don't know this. My family is such a big part of my life, but they were always right near me in Scranton. I even lived at home until about 4 years ago. We will definitely have to talk about it some day, when we're together.

Today was a delightful day with nothing much to report. I slept late, swam in the pool, went down to the beach and did a little body surfing well between the red flags, did some much needed wash and basically just hung around. So, today seems like a good day to cover some information I haven't gotten around to in my other e-mails.

Tim Tams…I discovered these when somebody was passing them around on one of my bus trips. They are a wafer cookie, filled with cream and covered with chocolate...kind of like a fat Kit Kat, only much better. The kind I like are dark chocolate, but they also have hazelnut and several other flavors which I have been hesitant to sample, not wanting to end up as a Teletubby. I have a few packages already packed to bring home…in case I couldn't find them in Cairns.

Money…oddly enough there are no one dollar bills here. There are one and two dollar coins…the two dollar coin being the most useful for soda machines etc. The smallest bill is a five. The two dollar coin is small and thick and easy to distinguish, as is the 50 cent piece which is large and octagonal. The other coins I have trouble with, and I am always rooting through my pockets trying to come up with the combo I need. It's much easier to pay with a bill, but then I end up with pockets full of change…one day I ended up with $14 worth of change in my pocket. I need a pouch like a kangaroo. The exchange rate is approximately One Australian dollar to 75 Cents American. It does make everything seem expensive at first glance, until you do the math. Plus the sales tax is added on to the price, so that's an added wallop. If you spend more than $300 in any one place, though, you can get the tax refunded. The bills are really cool…they have clear spaces, in addition to all the holograms and watermarks, which must be really hard to counterfeit. And the different denominations are slightly different sizes, which is useful.

I thought that you might be interested in what American products, etc. have traveled down under. Coke and Pepsi are everywhere, though they have some variations that I've never seen before. And Coke can be bought in special "gold" World Cup commemorative bottles, but considering how Australia and the US are doing so far, there doesn't seem to be much point. McDonalds is all over, but strangely enough, Burger King is called Happy Jacks. Same logo and same Whopper advertised. At first I thought it was because of the British and their royalty thing, but George told me that they have Burger King in England, so I haven't a clue. I have also seen KFC, Target, Blockbuster Video and Curves Gym. But no Outback Steakhouse (go figure!) or Chilis or Hooters.

There's a funny story I never had a chance to tell you from Sydney. It was the day I was doing all the shopping. I happened to walk past this large square, somewhere near Circular Quay and I noticed that it was all cordoned off and there was lots of activity going on, so, of course, I went to investigate. The square was a large flag stoned area, and it was surrounded by crime scene tape and saw horses. All over the square were rabbits…live white rabbits. Literally hundreds of them, hopping around and huddling together in clumps. There were television cameras set up (funny how I recognized them right away!) and Production Assistants were running around chasing after rabbits, trying to keep them all in the cordoned off space. The rabbits, of course, kept trying to wander off. It was hilarious. Finally, they managed to get all of the rabbits more or less where they wanted them and they were ready to begin. A Korean model…the absolute skinniest person I have ever seen who didn't have a horrible disease, came prancing out. She was wearing a black cocktail dress and high heels and looked extremely bored. Her role, I gather, was to chase the rabbits. However, I don't think she was supposed to be able to catch them. The problem was that the rabbits were also bored, or possibly drugged and barely made any effort to get away from her when she chased them. In take after take, she would reach for one, and he would just sit there, and she would have to kind of push him away, probably cursing under her breath in Korean. One of the PAs told me that they were filming a commercial for a Korean Bank. I've been trying to imagine the commercial tag line.

"Bank of Korea...where your money is always out of reach."

"Bank of Korea…where your money multiplies like rabbits, but we won't let you near it."

"Bank of Korea...where we spend lots of your money renting rabbits."

"Bank of Korea…let's all chip in and buy this girl a sandwich!"

Dwight and Angela's Wedding. Wow. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the concept. Are we sure we should be permitting this sort of thing to happen? You know that if they reproduce it could be the end of the world as we know it. This wedding should be THE social event of the year. I can't wait. I've been dying to see Dwight's beet farm. And Michael should be inspired to new heights, or depths, of comedy. I hope that he is working on new material, because I expect to be entertained as well as horrified, as only Michael can do it. What should we get them for a wedding present? Maybe I'll see something at the Aborigine center tomorrow.

Dan's party. What's this about a bikini? It didn't quite register when I first read it. Once again…wow! Okay...no more Tim Tams for me. And maybe I should do a few sit ups while I'm at it. Dan's family has a really spectacular house with a great pool. They're kind of rich. I told you his father is a judge. Not quite a Supreme Court judge, but up there. No pressure on Dan to pass the bar exam. None at all. But it should be an awesome party. I only hope I can stay awake for it. I will rely on you to revive me, as you have so often in the past. I have a feeling that the bikini will help. I can't wait to see you.

I love you,

Jim

PS: My uncle died about 10 years ago, and my aunt a few years later, but my cousin and his wife still own the beach house. It's in Long Branch…about 2 and a half hours from Scranton. Who know, if you're good, I may be able to wrangle an invitation. September is the best, after the crowds have gone home.

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 20, 2006 3:02 PM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Cairns Day 3

Dear Jim,

Wow…suddenly I feel like I'm counting down the days until you come home. It's Friday, the 23rd, right? Or are you leaving on the 23rd? What I was thinking was this: I was planning to come for the weekend, anyway. Why don't you cancel your limo and I'll pick you up at the airport? Just give me the flight number, time, date, etc. It's not much further to drive to Kennedy than it is to drive to Stamford in the first place. And then I can bring you back to Stamford, and stay there over night, so you can unpack and get your messages, etc. And don't worry if you mostly feel like sleeping on Saturday. I'll find plenty to do. On Sunday, we'll have to take both cars to the party, since I have to go home to Scranton and you to Stamford. Unless I take Monday off. Maybe I'll do that. I worry about you driving back to Stamford after Dan's party. Anyway...let me know if this is a plan, so I can arrange it with Michael.

I'm not sure when you are going to see your parents. It will probably not be until the next weekend, though I presume that you will talk to them before that. I know you have to get back to work Monday. Oh dear…here I am planning your life for you. Forgive me. I'm so used to doing this for Michael. Not to mention Roy, back in the day. Possibly you may want to arrange your own life. Just let me know what you want to do.

Oh, speaking of which, I just got a promotion! I am now Regional Manager of the Albany branch! No No. I'm kidding! But this morning Michael called me into his office and said that since I do so much more than answer the phone (like arranging Michael's entire life for him) my new title is now Personal Assistant. It would be Secretary, but somebody told Michael that the term Secretary in non PC these days. It does come with a buck an hour raise, so yay, me! I personally think that Michael is afraid that I am about to decamp and move to Stamford, for some reason, and is trying a preemptive strike. Not a bad move, Michael.

Of course, at first Dwight was all bent out of shape, since he thinks he owns a copyright on the term "Assistant," but Michael explained the whole Secretary thing, and reassured him that basically I will be doing exactly the same job I've always been doing, but with a more appropriate title. I was almost afraid I was going to be dis-invited to The Wedding of the Century for a moment, there.

Oh, speaking of TWOTC...get this! Angela wanted a string quartet to perform at the reception. Dwight wanted a group he knows who play bagpipes! (Is this a match made in heaven, or what?) With my help they compromised on...you guessed it…Scrantonicity! I figure it's a win win win situation, with the third win going to Kevin, who's thrilled. Except for the part where he's worried that he's some kind of a wedding jinx. I had to reassure him that his band had nothing to do with me canceling my wedding. Sigh. It's been a busy day for me. I wish I could take a vacation from my vacation, like some people I know.

I love you too.

Pam


	9. Chapter 9

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 21, 2006 11:30 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Cairns Day 4

Dear Pam,

You can be my personal assistant anytime! Congratulations on your promotion! And a whole dollar raise...can they spare it, do ya think?

All of your plans concerning my homecoming sound fine to me. Are you absolutely sure you don't mind trekking to Kennedy Airport? It's an awful trip, but I really wouldn't mind not spending money on the limo. When I get home, I'm going to be pretty broke. My vacation paychecks were direct deposited while I was gone, so I at least have money to live on, but I've pretty well run through my savings. And if you can take Monday off, that will be even better. Yes, I do have to work on Monday, but at least then we'll have Sunday night. If this jet lag works the way I predict, I should be pretty frisky at night…it's just the mornings that are going to be a problem. Maybe you can help make sure that I actually get up on Monday morning. After that, I'm sure I will be able to fend for myself.

Okay my flight Info is this: Flight 107 from LAX which should arrive in NY at 5:20 PM on Friday the 23rd. Remember that Friday that I lost when I arrived? Well I get two Fridays in a row this week to make up for it. Good thing it's not Monday, right? Who needs two of those? I will go through customs in LA, so unless I am caught smuggling penguins, I should have no problems once I reach NY. Of course I do have to leave Cairns at the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM, and have layovers in Brisbane as well as LA, but this flight was a lot cheaper than the more direct one.

I will come to Scranton the following weekend and do the parent thing. At least I should know what's going on with my Dad's tests by then. I hope he's not going to need oxygen. My Uncle (the one that owned the beach house) had emphysema and dragged around an oxygen tank the last year of his life. At least it got my Dad to stop smoking. I just hope it wasn't too late.

So today was the last organized tour of my vacation. It was an odd combination, too, from the sublime to the slightly ridiculous. I took a bus to the Kuranda Scenic Railroad which is a small railroad that goes up through the rain forest to a town called Kuranda. Kuranda was originally founded by logging companies, and in the 70's, when the wholesale logging of the rain forest was banned, the loggers left and hippies moved in. It became a kind of craft village, with the hippies and their descendants making a living off tourists visiting the rain forest. There is a butterfly zoo, and the succinctly named Venom Zoo, filled with poisonous bugs and snakes. There are restaurants and all sorts of shops. It has gotten somewhat commercialized over the years, but there are some nice things too.

The train was incredible, even though my weather luck had run out, and it was raining. Okay rain in a rain forest isn't exactly big news, but it did reduce the visibility a bit. Still we wound through the rain forest travelling only 21 miles but going up 11,000 feet into the mountains through tunnels and over gorges. There were some amazing waterfalls, and a lot of interesting trees, some with orchids growing on them, and some with very weird roots coming out of the ground. There were some beautiful birds that flashed by, and the whole place seemed very spooky, and mysterious, maybe because of the rain. At any rate, the trip up the mountain lasted about an hour and we got out at Kuranda, where I had lunch at a pie shop…some kind of a meat pie with bacon and cheese in it. Not bad. Then there was the truck selling homemade ice cream, so I had some of that, too. He had 38 flavors including things like Passion Fruit and Mango. I had Rocky Road, but it was quite different from American Rocky Road. For one thing, it was pink. It was vanilla ice cream with cherries, chocolate chips, nuts and marshmallows. I also went to a very nice Aborigine craft shop, but I won't tell you what I bought there. But the items were all labeled with who made it, and what tribe they were from, and where they live. It was very interesting. There was one artist that I really liked, and I bought a couple of her things. I would have bought more, but that's all she had. They had a lot of crocodile related items…belts, hat bands, wrist straps, etc. that Dwight would have just loved, but they weren't quite wedding present material. But maybe one of the things I bought might work. Quite seriously…you can decide.

Coming down the mountain was even more fun. I took the Skyrail Rainforest Cableway, which consists of gondolas, which go down over the rain forest. It was awesome. It was still raining, but I could see quite a lot and there was interesting low-lying fog obscuring the bottom of the forest. One of the men in the gondola with me said it reminded him of Vietnam. I'll be interested to see what my Dad thinks when he sees the photos.

We had to change gondolas at Barron Falls in order to continue down to the bottom. At the end of the line, we walked over to the Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park for dinner and a show.

I'm not sure how I feel about the Cultural Park. I had wanted to learn something about the Aborigines and how they live, but this whole place was a bit too touristy for my taste. I had read something about the history of the Aborigine people and it is a tragic story, and the Australian government has a lot to answer for, very much like our own history with Native Americans. They are trying to make up for it now by giving the tribes huge land grants, etc. The guides and performers at the center are from the Tjapukai tribe, and the Cultural Park is part of one such land grant. The guides gave demonstrations of outback food, which is basically hunting and gathering...no bloomin' onions here. They demonstrated fire making, spear throwing and didgeridoo playing, and there was also a multimedia History Theater and Creation Theater, using laser lights and special effects to tell the story of the history of the people. There was lots of music and dancing and audience participation. It was all very interesting, but also kind of theatrical, and probably not all that authentic. It was kind of the Disney version, if you know what I mean.

I know that there are actual tribes of Aboriginal people still living in the Outback, much as they have for centuries, but I'm also pretty sure that the Tjapukai people who work in the Cultural Park don't live like that. I have this image of them coming to work every day, looking much like we do at Dunder Mifflin, punching a time clock, and then changing into loin cloths and face and body paint to spend the day being Aborigines. Then at the end of their shift, they change, clock out, get into their cars, and go back to their apartments in Cairns and watch TV or surf the net, just like we do. A couple of the dancers were really good, but the one woman in the group seemed bored, and there was one guy who spent the whole time trying not to crack up. Basically, they were performers, which is fine. And they were showing the tourists what they came to see. But I suspect that they were also laughing at us…just a little.

The tour included a huge buffet dinner, which was perfectly nice, but not even vaguely authentic. Not that I really wanted to eat roots, or grubs, but it wasn't even Australian food either. I swear…I could have had this exact same buffet dinner in Scranton, PA. There were a few Chinese and Japanese entrees, as well as Italian, but I didn't necessarily come all the way to Australia, to an Aboriginal Cultural Park to eat Baked Ziti and Miso soup…am I making any sense? Anyway, I found myself a bit disappointed with that particular experience. Especially after that magnificent rain forest.

Well, anyway, that was it. Tomorrow I'm just hanging out again, going to the beach if it's not raining and getting my act together since I leave at the crack of dawn Friday. If I don't get eaten by a shark tomorrow, I'll consider it a successful trip…I think I am pretty much officially out of my rut. But I sure can't wait to get back to you.

Love,

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 21, 2006 10:30 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Cairns Day 4

Dear Jim,

The funniest thing just happened. Michael called me into his office with that "Oh shit...I totally messed up, and now you aren't going to like me anymore," look on his face…you know the one I mean. It turns out that when he told Jan that he had promoted me to Personal Assistant, she had a total fit. "There _are _no Personal Assistants at Dunder Mifflin! What do you think this is…_Hollywood_?" That is an exact quote, by the way, because I just "happened" to overhear their phone call.

Anyway, it seems that the PC term for Secretary that Michael was looking for was _Administrative_ Assistant, so that is my _new_ new title. But the best part is that Michael gave me an additional dollar raise for all of the "emotional distress," he caused me. I mean, he _really_ doesn't want me running off to Stamford. I tell you…for the first time in my life, I feel like a have a little power and it feels really good.

Anyway, Dwight is much happier with my new title, also. I mean, Personal Assistant is a title he probably craves for himself, but Administrative Assistant he can live with. So we are back to being BFF. But I'll be happy to be _your_ personal assistant, any time you want.

So you weren't too impressed with It's A Small Aboriginal World, huh? Well, at least no one threw up in your boat. You can't really expect authenticity in a situation like that. The Center is probably a really good source of income for the tribe, like the Indian casinos in the US. Hopefully some of that money trickles back to the tribes who do live in the Outback.

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Kyoko who was half Japanese. The summer after HS, she went to work as a waitress at Gasho, a Japanese steak house, which was supposedly this authentic Japanese farmhouse, blah blah blah. The waitresses were all Oriental and wore kimonos, etc. The funny thing was…she was the only waitress who was even _half_ Japanese. All of the others were Chinese or Thai or Vietnamese, but in their kimonos, nobody ever noticed that they weren't Japanese. People see what they expect to see. I'm sure that 99 of the tourists you were with came away thinking that they had experienced the real thing.

The rain forest sounds wonderful, though. I've read about that railroad, and the gondolas. I looked it up on line.

I can't believe that you are finally coming home! I know it's only been two weeks, but it seems like forever. I hope that everything is okay at the Stamford Branch, when you get back. Downsizing rumors are going around again. But that's been happening ever since I started to work here, and so far we've only lost one employee, and none of the branches has been shut down. I hope that it's just talk again. I also hope that my big $80 a week raise isn't going to throw D-M into a financial tailspin.

See you soon!

Love, Pam


	10. Chapter 10

From: Jhalpert

Sent: June 22, 2006 10:31 PM

To: Pbeesly

Subject: Cairns Day 5

Pamela Jane Beesly, you little con artist, you! Administrative Assistant AND a two dollar raise! I bet you gave him that mournful little look…I know just the one. Emotional distress…I love it!

We're gonna need a bigger boat. Or at least another suitcase. I can't cram all of my stuff in here, no matter how I try. I guess I bought a lot. And I still haven't hit the duty free shops at the airport. Maybe if I just throw out all my clothes. Or maybe if I tried folding them. I just had to take a break from packing to rant and ramble a bit.

Did I tell you about the breakfasts here? There's no congee, like in Sydney, but there are baked beans and spaghetti. Apparently, these are considered breakfast foods in Queensland. There is also the usual great bacon, and various eggs, and different cereals, including Wheat Bix. The British call them Weetabix, I think, but they are the same thing. I tried them once, thinking that they would be like shredded wheat, but they melted into glop as soon as I put milk on them. Yuck. The fruit is a little different also, with kiwis and passion fruit in with the usual pineapple and melon. I've had kiwi before, and really like it, but never passion fruit. It looks a bit like a small orange with brownish, very hard skin. You cut it in half, and inside is this orangey pulp filled with seeds. That's the part you eat. The seeds kind of pop in your mouth and the pulp is very tart, and with a weird consistency. It's not bad, but I don't think I'll be putting in an order at my local grocery store at home.

The restaurant is huge and opens out onto the pool, though there must be a wall they can put down in case of really bad weather. This really is a pretty place. There is also a family of Bandicoots living here, but I only got a glimpse of one once, as he scooted across the path.

I've finally gotten used to the whole duvet concept, which was the same here as in Sydney. There is a bottom sheet on the bed, but no top sheet, just a quilt which is covered with a sheet-like duvet cover. This quilt is folded in half on the bed every morning. It certainly makes bed making easy. However, the downside is that my feet tend to stick out of it at night. But maybe if I found a really long one, I could use that system in my apartment. It really is neat and easy.

Oh...the Australians are really into conservation and recycling. In the hotel rooms, you have to put your key card in this slot on the wall to keep the electricity on. Colin says it's like that all over Europe, too. I wonder if we have that in the US? It wasn't in the Hampton Inn or the Marriot in NYC, but they are older hotels. Maybe the new ones have it. Anyway…my first day in Sydney it took me forever to figure out why the lights wouldn't go on, because the desk clerk forgot to explain the card thing to me. I finally had to call downstairs to tell them I had no electricity. I felt like a total doofus.

Oh well, back to packing. I'll see you at Kennedy airport. I'll be the one with the goofy hat and 20 suitcases. I love you and can't wait.

Jim

From: Pbeesly

Sent: June 22, 2006 11:29 AM

To: Jhalpert

Subject: re: Cairns Day 5

How dare you call me a con artist! Okay, so I might have mentioned how really nice your new apartment is, and how lovely Stamford is and how there are going to be a lot of job opportunities for me after this internship, and how Stamford is just a hop skip and a jump from New York. And well, yes, there was the mournful face. But just remember who it was that convinced Dwight that his suit jacket was infected, or that it was Friday when it was really Thursday, or who got him to dye his hair blonde that time. If I am a con artist…I have only learned from the master!

I am taking half a day off tomorrow and all of Monday. I still have a few days left of my vacation, what with not having a honeymoon and all. I think I'll pack my cooler up with some perishable things like milk and eggs, and stuff for dinner, so we won't have to waste time shopping when we get back to your apartment, and we can get right to the gifts! I'm just kidding, but I am eager to see what you bought. Be sure to keep all of your receipts together, in case you need them for customs.

Oh damn…I just looked at the clock and it's not even lunch time yet! Will this day never end? I'm going over to Janice and Ted's house tonight after my water color class. Isn't that nice? We can talk about you behind your back.

Oh well, I've got to go back to administrative assisting now. See you tomorrow! I love you.

Pam


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